...and on a personal note:

Writer’s block? Maybe. Life block? Maybe that, too. For whatever reason, finding the motivation to write and post here has been at an all-time low. Life feels like kind of a mess right now, and for someone who likes everything in order, I don’t like to see that in writing. It’s like an admission I’m not perfect.

Yes, I know, get over myself.

So, I could say something cliché like “life is at a crossroads right now” to explain my spinning head and not-unhappy-but-not-happy current state. However, that whole ‘crossroads’ analogy implies there are three distinct options from which to choose: left, straight, right.

(As an aside, whenever I hear that phrase, I picture one of those intersections in the middle of bumblefuck Western US, with four dirt roads meeting, no street signs, flat desert landscape, tumbleweeds, and the decision-maker is of course driving a pickup. I’d like to claim this visual as my own, but it was probably in a movie.)

Anyway, my crossroads right now seem more like blindly stepping into the darkness, not really knowing the direction, not knowing if the first step will be solid ground beneath me, wishing I could just jump over the first step and land somewhere down the path, happy and fulfilled and not wondering all the time.

I am trying to be better at being happy in the moment, instead of always trying to get to whatever’s next. Pretty much my whole life, I’ve had some idea of what the next step would be. The high school-college-grad school path is not particularly thought-provoking, and there was security in knowing there was a line between Point A and Point B, which would lead to Point C. I could assert my independence by extending that line to far-off places.

Even the initial move to Israel, despite the picture of romance and adventure, was really just an extension of the same line. Making the decision of course wasn’t done overnight, but once I did, things were pretty well mapped out. I found a postdoc, I had somewhere to live, I’d start learning the language, Ron and I would be together; while everything that comes with living in a new country was challenging at best, there was still an order and a line through it all.

So now what? I’m unhappy being a scientist. I want to write and/or edit, but there are no scientific journals in Israel. I have a student visa, so I’m not eligible to work here even if I did find a job. My Hebrew is improving but not to the point where I could work in the language. Ron and I are dealing with a changing relationship – the excitement of falling in love in NYC, the struggles of being apart, the bliss of finally being back together has now entered “boring everyday life” phase.

I could go on and on (and when I do, I usually end up in some state of anxiety/tears/depression/overwhelmed, so I won’t). The basic point is: there is no more line. You would think that this would make me feel completely free and liberated, to be able to do whatever I want, but it doesn’t. Instead, the best way for me to describe my current situation: stuck. As if every way I want to try to make the first step into the darkness is blocked. The problem is, I think, is that every step I’ve thought to take has not actually been so far from the line. Whatever I do next will be making up my own line. I need to now think completely outside the box, find creativity, and make up my next move.

So, what’s a girl to do? If I am blocked in my attempts to make big steps, I guess I try half steps? Big step: quitting my postdoc for a job based in Israel and hope they can sponsor a work visa. Half-step: starting the application procedure for a resident visa. So, that doesn’t get me un-stuck from my postdoc, but at least it will remove a block in my path. It would give me the option to start doing freelance work, anyway, if I decide to quit without having a physical job lined up.

Big step: trying to establish myself as a freelance science editor. Half-step: sending my CV to online editing firms, working with them for a bit until I move from my postdoc, figuring out what it entails, and then maybe doing it on my own here in Israel, if it’s something I still like doing. Again, not exactly a career-changer, but it gives me the chance to develop my skills and something to think about other than my postdoc.

Big step: incorporating my love for running, fitness, nutrition that has always been an important part of my life and a hobby into “what I do.” Half step: well, that’s a good question. I’ve started talking to people I know who are personal trainers, fitness buffs, etc. I could see myself doing one-on-one sessions with clients (not working for a gym), setting up a fitness blog based on science, all basically on the side (a “don’t give up your day job” sort of arrangement). We’ll see. I thought maybe also to try to start a women’s beginner running group – basically to advertise to some of the online forums in Jerusalem, meet once a week in the park without really much of a plan, just a comfortable group to run/walk with other women without any embarrassment about being newbies.

So is putting all this in writing admitting that I am lost and need help? Maybe. And I’m not good at that. But it’s the one big step I know I can take right now, and that feels good.