The decision.

I had a bomb dropped on me two weeks ago.

I know, from someone living in Israel that is probably a bad choice of words, because it could actually be taken literally.

But, no, even worse – my world has been turned upside down and backwards and inside out by hearing the person I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with tell me he’s not happy, he doesn’t think we’re working, and that we should think about separating.

I have run the gamut of analysis and blaming and trying to figure out how this happened. Did we have problems? Of course – in my last post I even mentioned them. But now, what it comes down to is my reality of working on them and improving things and evolving together as a couple has been shattered by someone else’s unwillingness to do any of those things. This reality of mine was apparently an illusion. Or, maybe, a one-sided mirror, as I could only see what I was doing and missed out on the fact that he was not willing to make us work.

Believe me, I could spend the better part of a lifetime explaining and analyzing and trying to figure this one out. But, in the end, I cannot make someone want to work on a relationship if they are unwilling to. I cannot give someone love that doesn’t adjust and change and evolve with life. I cannot guarantee someone happily-ever-after when he doesn’t think there is some sort of work involved now and then. That there are phases; ups and downs. He basically made the decision – without me – and as much as it hurts, I have to put myself back in the drivers seat, as my mom says. Except I feel like I'm driving in a Britain, all backwards and on the wrong side of the road.

So, in addition to all that sucks about a break-up, I have the added twist of being in Israel. So, over the last few days, almost a week, I have been processing my options. At first, of course, I couldn’t even think about making any kind of decision because I was too busy trying to figure out the magic words to say to make him realize the error of his ways. Eventually, I started to let thoughts about myself enter into my cloudy brain. And, little by little, things are becoming clearer.

I didn’t automatically think to jump on the next plane. Well, maybe I did, but the destinations varied from the US to wherever the next plane was going. Surprise me; just get me out of here.

But then, after a while, I realized that I wouldn’t automatically be miserable staying here. In fact, quite the opposite. I have an amazing support system with the people in my lab and the other friends I’ve made here. I could, technically, stay here and rearrange my life and be perfectly fine. I know people looking for roommates; I have offers from dear friends for spare rooms in their homes. I am eligible to renew my visa and continue my postdoc. After all the bureaucratic blah blah I’ve had to deal with since being here, changing my bank account and phone and moving suddenly seem like small hurdles if I really wanted to start over here.

But would I be happy? Would I be staying here just to prove that I could? Out of spite? On top of that, all my current fears about being stuck in this postdoc indefinitely even though it’s not something I want to keep doing – fears I was having anyway – wouldn’t go away with all this life readjustment.

So, all that considered, I really want to return to the States. It was in this vein that I made the terribly difficult phone call to Mr. Boss, who is currently on sabbatical and out of the country. He threw a wrench into things, by making me the hugely generous offer of letting me return for a long vacation (in his mind that's 2 weeks, but never mind), keep my postdoc and salary, so if I can look for jobs while I still have a position (and of course continue my work in the lab). Tempting, because I know it's risky to wrap up now. And, of course, professionally speaking, it would be worth my while to stay, have more publications wrapped up, and not leave so suddenly. I’m sure in his mind, he doesn’t see what my rush is to leave when I don’t have anything “better” lined up already in the States. Actually, more than just not seeing, he thinks I’m making a terrible mistake (“throwing my future in the garbage” was, I believe, the phrase used).

Except that a-I wanted to leave the postdoc, anyway, even if I stayed, so it's not exactly motivation for me to stay and "finish," whatever that means (although Mr. Boss doesn't know that, although I did tell him I was wanting to move into editing/writing. I also did not tell him I could be happy doing a whole list of things that had nothing to do with my Ph.D., but again, never mind); b-looking for jobs in the States while living in Israel? Um, no thanks; c-there is an as-yet unpublished manuscript involved, but worse case I get moved to second author if another student has to do reviewer-mandated revisions after I'm gone. For what I want to do (non-academic science, whatever that means), I’m not sure it really matters; d-it would mean arranging an apartment, visa, etc for a temporary return; e-I would still be stuck in a postdoc I don't want anymore for an indeterminate amount of time - who knows how long this manuscript will be bumped around? Who knows how long a job search would take? How many times would that mean me going back and forth between the States for job interviews and moving and everything? Mr. Boss cannot understand the need for a mental health break – rehab, if you will – without any obligation or pressure to return back here or to make a desperate decision about my next job. I think he'll be fine, and I know I'll have a good recommendation from him and his support no matter what - and I guess at the end I don't really need him to understand, I just want him to be able to discuss with me how to best leave things here, even if he doesn't agree with my decision.

I have parents helping me out with a move back and giving me a crash pad in the States. I have amazing friends and family who I miss dearly on whose couches I can surf across the US (especially in NYC, which pulls at my heart-strings anyway). I'm under no delusion that I can stay unemployed indefinitely. But, I don't even know where I want to be, what I want to be doing. The basic fact is, I need time. And maybe, also closure. I have the chance to make a decision completely selfishly, completely based on what I think will make me the most happy, and I want to get to the point where I can make that decision. Staying here with vague obligations and feeling stuck will not get me there.